Asking For A Friend: Where has my libido gone – and how do I get it back?

Asking For A Friend: Where has my libido gone – and how do I get it back?


We can all agree that sex is great and, if you’re in a relationship, pretty important. 

In some relationships, having a different sex drive to your partner can even be a dealbreaker. 

But what happens when your libido suddenly changes?

There are tons of reasons why your libido might seemingly disappear, including taking certain medications (like anti-depressants or birth control), health problems or a sexual dysfunction. Emotional reasons can also be a factor, like stress and anxiety, relationship problems or feeling pressure from your partner.  

Whatever the reason, a sudden drop in your sex drive can have a significant impact on your mental health. 

‘It can make you question why you’re feeling like this, particularly if all of your friends have active sex lives,’ Jessica Alderton, a relationship expert and founder of the dating app So Synced, tells 

And although your sex drive might have nothing to do with your partner, they can take it personally and end up feeling rejected. 

‘It can also cause relationship problems which can result in your mental health deteriorating even further. 

‘It doesn’t stop there – you can then end up blaming yourself for your relationship problems, which can cause a further decrease in libido, and you can get caught up in a downward spiral.’

On top of this, without clear communication, it can cause a chasm in the relationship, causing you to grow apart. 

‘It’s unrealistic to expect both of you to always want sex at exactly the same time, but the issues usually arise when one person is regularly saying no,’ she says.

‘You can reduce the risk of this happening by having open and honest conversations with your partner. 

‘Feeling rejected is tough to deal with and it can deeply impact an emotional connection if it’s not handled in the right way.’

But even beyond your relationship, losing your libido can impact your self esteem – especially if your sexuality is a large part of your identity.  

‘It can be a huge shock to the system and you can end up questioning who you really are,’ explains Jessica.

‘This mostly happens with people who are very openly sexual, however, even if you don’t consider yourself to be a highly sexual person, it can still be tough to deal with because sex is viewed as a ‘normal’ part of people’s lives. 

‘You can feel very alone if you think you have a noticeably lower libido than your peers.’

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, you might want to work to rebuild your libido, so that you feel more like yourself again – in and out of the bedroom. 

While it totally depends on the cause, there are some general tips you can follow to work on reconnecting with your sexuality.

How to rebuild your libido by yourself


Exercising releases endorphins, which have mood-boosting effects and can have a positive impact on your libido.

In addition, exercise can make you feel good about yourself which can also increase your sexual desire.

Get enough sleep

Getting the right amount of sleep that your body needs can have a huge effect on your libido.

If rebuilding your sexual desire is important, you’ll have to learn to prioritize sleep, even when you’re busy.

Sleep quality counts for a lot too. You can monitor this through a fitness tracker.

Eat healthily

Good nutrition is the foundation of good health which massively impacts your sexual desire, amongst many other things.

It can affect your mental health, your skin, your weight, etc., all of which are important when it comes to libido.

Manage your mental health

Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression can have a negative effect on your libido so it’s important to manage these conditions if you want to improve your sexual desire.

This might mean seeing a doctor, making lifestyle changes, or talking to a therapist.

Speak to a professional

A sex therapist might be able to help you pinpoint the cause of your libido problems and help you to get on the right track to rebuilding it.

  • Jessica Alderton, relationship expert

How to rebuild your libido with your partner

Be open about what you like in the bedroom

To rebuild your libido in the best possible way, you need to be open with each other about what your preferences and desires in the bedroom. 

Try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. 

If you like some aspects of foreplay, let your partner know so they can focus on that to help you get in the mood.

Deepen your emotional connection 

The mind and body are very closely intertwined, especially when it comes to relationships. 

If you can work on building a deeper emotional connection with your partner, you will reap the benefits in the bedroom. 

Ultimately, if you don’t feel close to your partner, it’s very difficult to feel sexual desire.

Work through relationship issues 

If you’ve been facing challenges in your relationship, such as feeling unappreciated by your partner, you should work through these issues to increase your libido.

Factors like this are often related to trust, in the sense that you need to be able to trust your partner to be there for you and show up in the way you need.

If you don’t fully trust them, you won’t feel like they offer you a safe space and this can impact your sex drive.

  • Jessica Alderton, relationship expert

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