Stephen Colbert Calls Biden’s Marijuana Pardon a ‘Green New Deal’

Colbert celebrated Biden’s announcement on Thursday that people convicted of marijuana possession under federal law would be pardoned.

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By Trish Bendix

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‘Green New Deal’

President Joe Biden pardoned people convicted of marijuana possession under federal law on Thursday.

“Ladies and gentlemen, that is a hell of a green New Deal,” Stephen Colbert said.

“He’s pardoning federal marijuana simple-possession offenses — all of them, from the dankest nugs to the harshest ditch weed. I’m talkin’ pot, grass, Mary Jane, reefer, the sweet sticky icky, ganja, choom-choom, lime pillows, sticks n’ stems, herb, chronic, Yemen, the devil’s lettuce, wacky tobacky, Acapulco gold, jazz cigarettes and the right honorable reverend Al Green.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Can you imagine how many people are incarcerated? Even worse, can you imagine getting pardoned for this after seeing how mainstream weed has become in America? I bet witches probably feel the same way, you know? It’s like, ‘Oh, so these hipster chicks can walk around Brooklyn with their candles and crystals, but when I did it in Salem, I got burned!’” — TREVOR NOAH

“This will affect more than 6,000 Americans. Their criminal records will be cleared. He also encouraged governors to do the same on the state level, promised that his administration will review whether marijuana should still be classified as a schedule 1 drug and gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom to a bag of Funyuns.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Punchiest Punchlines (High Point Edition)

“The move stops short of full decriminalization, which will probably have to wait until we have a President Woodrow Harrelson or something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I’m pretty sure Biden’s approval rating is about to get high for the first time.” — JIMMY FALLON

“It is the most cannabis-friendly decision by a U.S. president yet, and I, for one, am just glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this happen.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Yeah, the president canceled student loan debt and now he’s pardoning people for weed. I think Biden’s going to be able to get into any frat he wants right now.” — JIMMY FALLON

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