TRACEY COX: I've been in a relationship out of loneliness not love

They might never admit it, but lots of women are in relationships out of loneliness not love, says TRACEY COX – here’s 5 ways to tell if you’re settling

• Tracey Cox says there are 5 questions to ask if you’re doubting your union
• READ MORE: 19 ways to speed things up without skimping on satisfaction 

I’ll put my hand up and admit it first: I tick this box. I’ve been in relationships based on loneliness rather than love.

My sister is still perplexed as to why I dated a guy 15 years younger than me and totally unsuited when I was in my early 40s (and it wasn’t for sex).

The answer is because I was lonely.

I was writing books and columns, doing TV shows and working seven days a week. I didn’t have the time or energy to find a man who was my equal and lay the foundation for a long-term, healthy love. But I did crave someone to cuddle now and then.

So, I grabbed a convenient, low stress solution: a quite nice guy who demanded little but filled a void.

Women crave connection and companionship and are more likely to settle for someone they don’t truly love, says Tracey Cox (stock image) 

I’m not ashamed of this – and neither should you be, if you’ve done the same at some point.

Being in a relationship to stop feeling lonely is a valid reason. It’s certainly more valid than hooking up with someone for their money.

As human beings, we are wired to crave connection and companionship. Women more so than men, because we place a greater emphasis on emotional intimacy than men do. But it’s not just women.

Forty-five per cent of men and 52 per cent of women in a recent US study said they were staying in their relationship because they were lonely or lacked emotional support elsewhere.

One other reason we stay when we aren’t in love is fear. Fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of not being able to find someone else. It’s a common human tendency to cling to the familiar, even if it’s not making us happy.

Is it loneliness or love? Here’s 5 ways to tell  

Worried you might be there for the wrong reasons? Take this test.

1. Your friends don’t ‘get’ your relationship. Research proves our friends are the best judge of who is right for us. Better than our parents or ourselves.

2. Are you yourself with this person? If you’re in a relationship motivated by loneliness, you’re fearful of losing them. You become the person you think they want you to be, not who you are. Picture yourself with your best friend. Are you the same person as you are with your partner? Or are you editing yourself for fear of losing them?

3. Are you happy being by yourself? Fine being an extrovert and enjoying company. Quite another needing to have your partner around all the time and not wanting them to have a life without you.

4. Do you get jealous easily? Irrational jealousy is rooted in our fear of abandonment. Think about your past. Has anything happened to make you feel like someone significant left you when you needed them most? A father who upped and left, perhaps.

5. What made you choose this person? Was it ‘Christ I’d better settle down with someone or there will be no-one left?’ Or was it ‘Maybe my wish list was a bit unrealistic?’ What areas do you feel you’ve compromised on? Are they big, important things or superficial things?

There’s also societal pressure: women are judged more harshly than men for being single, particularly as we get older. We sometimes stay out of a sense of obligation but also to avoid the stigma of being alone.

Twenty-eight percent of adults in a UK study, said they stayed in their long-term relationships primarily because of a lack of other options.

The dating app, Hinge, found 71 per cent of people in relationships stay with a partner even though they don’t see a future with them.

If you picture a desperate, unattractive, no friends and rubbish job type as the sort of person who is in a relationship purely for companionship, think again.

Because none of these women fit the bill.

I’M A LINGERIE MODEL AND CAN’T FIND LOVE

*Maya, 25, is a fashion model

I model high-end underwear for fashion websites. I do ‘normal’ shoots as well but lots of models won’t do lingerie and I don’t mind and have a good body so get booked a lot.

My girlfriends are jealous because it is a drawcard for men but the kind of men my job attracts isn’t the kind I want. Once people find out I model lingerie, the nice, genuine blokes melt away. I think they think I’m not interested in them. Then I’m surrounded by loud-mouth yobs who think I’m a page three girl and want to get lucky. Or bankers who think they’re Leonardo De Caprio and want their own Victoria Secrets model.

Tracey Cox says that she too has been in a past relationship where she settled out of loneliness 

I don’t to be paraded about like some trophy. I want to meet a normal, average guy who wants to settle down and have kids and enjoy family life. Yes, I am only 25 and that’s early but I’m old school. I would have happily married at 20. I want to have lots of kids and be a stay-at-home Mum. I don’t mind dating someone older, either. I don’t think this is a big ask but it seems to be.

I got asked out a lot but was single from 19 through to 23. My friends were all in happy relationships but not me. I know what I want and I know when it’s not in front of me.

I’m secretly still hanging out for the love of my life but I can’t stay single forever. It’s getting embarrassing and I want a boyfriend – I’m lonely. So, I’m seeing a guy who isn’t my physical type and I’m not drawn to him sexually but who is good company. It’s nice to not be sitting home alone on the weekend, or the only single person in the group. It does feel like ‘pretend’ though: like I’m trying to force this relationship into existence.

I’M YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE BUT DELIBERATELY DOWNDATE

*Nadia, 31, is an architect

“I look great on the outside. I’m young, attractive, successful and well off. I look like I’ve got it all under control but that’s a lie.

I have a massive fear of abandonment because my Dad walked out on the family when I was 13. My mother fell to pieces and was too busy looking after herself to look after me. My older brother and sister did their best, but they were going through their own trauma. It was awful. I was jealous of my brother and sister because they had partners and I remember thinking, ‘If you have a partner, you’ll never be lonely’. My biggest goal became not being single.

A long, continuous stream of boyfriends followed. I hated being alone so would do what’s called ‘monkeying’: I’d make sure I had someone else to go to, before I left the previous person. Swing from one branch, straight to the other. I was looking for security and to feel safe, but after the loved-up beginning faded, no-one made me feel that way.

I married a man who I thought I loved when I was 25 but we were too competitive with each other. He didn’t earn as much as me and felt intimated by my career. My instinct was I couldn’t trust him to be there for me, so I left.

I found out later that he did love me – truly and deeply, exactly what I long for. I just couldn’t feel it or see it because I’m damaged. I was searching for someone who would never leave me. He was a handsome, charismatic guy: I was needy and jealous and clingy. In my eyes, why would he stick around?

I downgraded my boyfriends after that – working on the theory that if I was much better than them, they’d never leave me. The opposite is true, of course: if the person never feels good enough, they feel uncomfortable and stressed and are more likely to flee.

I’m with a guy right now who is OK. He’s more in love with me than I am him, which is how I like it. I feel safe enough but far from fulfilled.

My family know I struggle with relationships but very few of my friends do. Sometimes they’ll say, ‘What are you doing with that guy? You could do so much better!’. I never tell them the real reason because it doesn’t fit with their perception of me.”

KIDS MAKE YOU EVEN LONELIER

*Olivia is 33, married and a business development manager

Without a shadow of a doubt I would admit the main reason I am with my husband is a fear of being alone.

I don’t think he guesses. I’m extroverted, have lots of friends, a decent job and get enough male attention when I’m dressed up and we’re out.

But I’m also a single mum and when you’re a single mum, your priorities change so much, you forget what it was like to only think of yourself.

I was madly in love with my daughter’s father and devastated when he cheated on me, over and over until I had no dignity left and my friends and family forced me to leave.

For a while, I was happy on my own. But when I decided I was ready to find love again, I got a rude shock. I was only in my late 20s but it felt like all the good men had been taken and only the dregs were left. I looked for someone to love for five years and the guy I married is the only guy I was remotely attracted to in all that time. Five years of looking after a baby and toddler without any help. My family don’t live close by, my girlfriends are busy and don’t have children. I hardly went out.

I gave it a go with my husband because I didn’t have any other options. I was worn out looking. He is kind and trustworthy and reliable. Three qualities you overlook before children but are like gold dust afterwards. He might not be perfect partner material, but he’s perfect Dad material.

I hoped I would fall for him properly but it never really happened. I really like him and care for him though – a lot more than I see in some of the ‘happy’ marriages I know. But it’s more about company and help with my daughter and the fact that they love each other.

If you’ve never experienced true loneliness, you have no idea of how upsetting it is. Being single and lonely is hard but being trapped inside a house with a small child and not having any freedom raises it to another level.

*The names have been changed to protect identity

Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s books, blog and product ranges

Source: Read Full Article