Sex with my husband was out of this world — now he only fancies his 50 pigeons and neglects me05/21/2019
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my husband used to be out of this world. We were all over one another and just could get enough.
Then life took over. My husband joined a running club and now runs three mornings a week before work and four evenings a week after work. He also keeps more than 50 homing pigeons which take up a lot of his time, too.
He hardly looks at me except when we are in bed.
Yet it was love at first sight for my husband when we met through friends in our late twenties.
I was having a great time and had lots of different boyfriends.
It took a while for my husband to persuade me to go out with him on that first time, but then we had a fantastic night.
I was used to drinking a lot and he kept buying me drinks. He then drove me home and I made a move on him.
From then on we were inseparable. I fell head-over-heels in love. We moved in together. Eventually things calmed down a bit but we were always passionate and both wanted to please the other.
Then he got deeply into his hobbies, and now the menopause has hit me for six.
I have lost all confidence in myself and all interest in sex.
I am 49 and my husband is 48. I have to psych myself up when I know he is going to want sex and just try to think of other things. Even a glass or two of wine does not help. If I do make the effort I cannot wait for it to be over.
I do not enjoy it and wish he would stop faffing about and just get on with it. I do feel sorry for him because I know he loves me so much.
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I never tell him I love him now and rarely cuddle up to him. I seem to have blocked all feelings off when I am with him.
It is as if I am making him pay for neglecting me and going off doing his own thing. I am amazed we are still together.
DEIDRE SAYS: Underneath everything, you do have a strong bond – but you both need to do a mid-life reassessment.
I am sure your husband wonders where his sex-loving wife has disappeared to. So start by telling him you are sorry the menopause has had such a drastic effect on you, and you are going to investigate the help available. My e-leaflet on Love And The Mature Woman explains more.
But it is not all down to hormonal changes. It is no wonder you feel resentful when he pours his energy into his running and his pigeons.
Say you need a fairer share of his attention. There should be at least one day in the week when you enjoy shared activities together. Then you might feel more loving in the evening.
But you can meet him halfway. You might get into running yourself, for example, and feel livelier for it.
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