Is it too forward of me to buy my drug-dealing neighbour a doorbell?
02/21/2020Q: A drug dealer has moved in next door. He’s quite low-key, keeps to himself, no parties or loud music. A great neighbour. However, his customers, who visit him all day and night, bash loudly on his front door. Would it be forward of me to offer to purchase him a gently chiming doorbell?
L.R., Brisbane. QLD
Illustration by Simon Letch.Credit:
A: The two of you sound like perfect neighbours: you’re tolerant and considerate, he’s polite and low-key – it’s like living on Sesame Street and Elmo is selling cannabis and MDMA.
You’re actually lucky to have such a nice drug dealer living next door: drug dealers don’t always make the best neighbours. They tend to be unfriendly and noisy – and if you go over to borrow a cup of sugar, you could wind up with $60,000 worth of crack cocaine, payable within seven days or you’ll get a visit from someone named Crowbar Lenny.
At the same time, he’s lucky to have you as a neighbour. You’re not dobbing him in to the police, you’re not judging his career choice, you’re not trying to drive him out of business by selling cheaper MDMA cut with bath salts. You just want his drug-addled junkie clients to knock on the door a bit softer, or pop around between 10am and 11am, like civilised drug-addled junkies do.
What’s blown me away is your suggestion of buying him a gently chiming doorbell. This is a brilliant idea – it could even be a fun novelty doorbell where you press a bloodshot-eye button, or something cute that says “Drugs ’n’ Hugs”. Yes, definitely discuss this with him, but maybe do it when he’s got a bit of downtime. You don’t want to be bugging him while he’s busy chatting to Crowbar Lenny about retrieving an unpaid “sugar” debt.
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