I’m horrified after finding out my mate raped and cheated on his lovely wife – how do I handle this? – The Sun

DEAR DEIDRE: I KNEW my mate cheats on his wife but it turns out he’s raped her too. I don’t know how to handle it.

I am a man of 46. This mate is a year younger and we’ve been friends for years. We’ve been to football together, travelled abroad together and go to the same local.

I was already married when he met his wife. She was a couple of years younger, lovely, bright, amusing and confident. I told him she was too good for him, partly joking and partly because it was true.

Our two wives and our children, when we had them, got on very well for a while but two years ago things suddenly changed. My friend started visiting on his own.

When we did eventually see his wife, her confidence had disappeared and I noticed she was tense when my mate went near her. The children seemed on edge too.

I had a quiet moment alone with him and asked him what was going on. He said there was no problem.

Since then we have seen nothing of his wife or children. Six months on I ran into him in the pub and he told me he has been on a dating site to find a “bit on the side”, as he put it. He is meeting up with other women, telling his wife he is out drinking with me.

I told my wife and she said she had invited his wife round for a coffee while we were at work and she had broken down in tears, saying her husband had raped her.

When she told him to stop and tried to push him off, he carried on regardless. He said she was his wife and sex is what she is there for.

She later told him to leave but he refused and said she should just get over it because it was no big deal. He never said he was sorry for hurting her.

I am horrified. I had no idea he could behave like that. How could he have sex with other women when he has such a lovely wife at home, let alone rape her?

I hate the person he has become. How can I be mates with a rapist?

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DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t tell this guy you know he is a rapist – or report him to the police as he deserves – without breaking his wife’s confidence and putting her at risk. A man who is capable of rape is capable of other violence too.

But you can say you don’t like the person he has become. You won’t be breaking any confid­ences as he told you himself what he has been up to with other women. Once you have said your piece, you can withdraw your friendship.

You can’t force him to change his behaviour but his wife and children need support. He’s clearly bullying them all.

Suggest your wife contacts his wife and urges her to talk to Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk 0808 802 9999). I am sending you my e-leaflet Abusive Partner? so your wife can pass it on to her.

I hope it helps her see she doesn’t have to accept his refusal to leave, and shouldn’t, for the children’s sakes as well as her own.

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