Dear Coleen: I need to tell my friend that her daughter’s bullying mine

Dear Coleen

I hope you can help with my problem. My 10-year-old daughter is being bullied by the daughter of a friend.

It’s nothing physical, just nasty comments and a campaign to get my daughter into trouble when she’s done nothing wrong. My daughter has come home in tears some days.

My friends have also mentioned it and the school has told me about it, too, and stressed that they are dealing with it.

Until now, I’ve let them get on with it. My daughter has handled it very well and tries to keep away from this girl as much as possible, but it’s not always easy at school at playtimes and in lessons.

I know I should speak to my friend, but it’s really awkward.

She’s had a tough time in recent years – her husband is useless and unreliable and basically does his own thing, so he’s never at home for their daughter. I can see why this girl is unhappy.

I think because this situation has gone on for a while without me mentioning it, I feel weird talking about it now, and I hate confrontation of any kind.

Can you help?

Coleen says

I hate confrontation, too – except when it comes to my children. And if this girl is acting up at school because she’s unhappy at home, then it would be good for her mum to know about it.

Yes, it’s a hard conversation to have, but you could start by saying ­something along the lines of, “I don’t want to fall out about this, but I need to talk to you about a situation with our girls and think we should deal with it together”.

It’s hard to hear your child’s a bully, but if my child was involved in bullying I’d want to stamp it out. Yes, some parents would rather ignore it or refuse to believe their child is capable but, hopefully, if you have a good friendship with this woman, you’ll be able to talk to her honestly and she’ll listen.

If this situation carries on, it could really damage your daughter’s ­confidence and self-esteem long term, even if she looks like she’s coping with it now. So in that respect, you have to prioritise her and talk to your friend.

Maybe you can even sit down together with your daughters and ask how this has come about.

Often when parents are brought into it, that’s when things change.

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