CRAIG BROWN: Next Year's News Part II

CRAIG BROWN: Jackie Weaver’s shaken, stirred… and the new 007 – Next Year’s News Part II

July

• In a surprise announcement, parish council Zoom star Jackie Weaver is welcomed as the new James Bond. A leaked scene from the new movie shows Jackie tied to a chair while evil Dr No and his committee attempt to drown her with formal complaints, points of order and any other business.
• Political observers suggest former chief adviser to the prime minister, Dominic Cummings, may be running out of material to use against his old boss, Boris Johnson. This follows an 8,000-word statement in which Cummings accuses Johnson of ‘slapdash behaviour’. He claims that, three years ago, Johnson forgot to tie his shoelace and then allowed it to remain undone for 22 minutes.

Craig Brown: In a surprise announcement, parish council Zoom star Jackie Weaver is welcomed as the new James Bond

August

In a surprise interview with Oprah Winfrey, Prince Harry reveals that his mental health took a turn for the worse when he found out he had not been invited to a small lunch party for world leaders given by the Queen at Windsor Castle.

Two days later, Prince William says his own mental health had an even worse setback when he discovered that Harry had failed to invite him to a recent tea party for chat-show hosts.

The next day, Harry announces a new upset to his mental health: the long-term effect of his brother failing to wish him and his family a happy Thanksgiving in November 2021.

At the end of the week, Buckingham Palace issues a statement declaring the Queen’s mental health has been severely affected over the past 40-odd years by the goings-on in her family. From now on, the family motto will be changed to Dixit Minus Cito Corrigi (‘Least Said Soonest Mended’).

September

• Students at Sussex University express ‘deep concern’ over the ‘reactionary mindset’ of a mathematics lecturer who suggested two plus two equals four.

‘His hurtful views undermine the massive contribution of so-called “odd” numbers like three and five. Let’s not let hate win,’ says one student activist, calling for the lecturer’s resignation.

October

• In the lead-up to Christmas and the New Year, publishers start a new trend in single-volume books that combine the two key seasonal aims — cooking large meals and losing weight. Gordon Ramsay tells his readers to embark on a two-mile cross-country run while carrying their turkey before placing it in the oven, while Jamie Oliver advises employing a string of chipolatas as a skipping rope for 30 minutes before frying at a medium temperature.

November

• The latest series of The Crown is broadcast by Netflix. Series creator Peter Morgan insists it is all based on the truth, and says that his team of researchers had access to a great deal of inside information from ‘highly placed sources’.

In the first episode, Prince Edward lands a starring role in Cats, Princess Anne joins haulage company Eddie Stobart as a truck driver, Tony Blair enjoys a fling with Princess Margaret and Camilla Parker Bowles makes a top-secret trip to Paris to join the Folies Bergere.

Craig Brown: In the first episode, Prince Edward lands a starring role in Cats, Princess Anne joins haulage company Eddie Stobart as a truck driver, Tony Blair enjoys a fling with Princess Margaret

• On I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here, contestants face their toughest challenge yet. They must spend three-and-a-half minutes in a dark room while Piers Corbyn tells them what’s what.

‘It’s far worse than I ever imagined,’ says tearful contestant, girlband singer Danielle Flosser.

‘For the first 30 seconds or so, you think to yourself, “I can do this”, but then, like, he starts coming up behind you and telling you you’re the victim of this great conspiracy, and after another 30 seconds you’re screaming and screaming to be be released.’

December

• A member of Santa Claus’s team accuses the bearded Christmas guru of abusive behaviour.

Rudolph, a well-established reindeer, claims Santa Claus referred to him as ‘red-nosed’. ‘By doing so, Mr Claus undermined my self-esteem, destroyed my body-image and tampered with my mental health.’

In a lengthy deposition, Rudolph also accuses Claus of forcing him to work on deliveries during the Christmas period, when others were enjoying a holiday.

• Meanwhile, the finale of The Crown draws vast audiences. Viewers are fascinated to discover the Queen Mother was secretly arrested for shoplifting a Wham! CD from Woolworths; that Princess Diana had a fling with Boy George (played by Brian Cox); that Prince Andrew once served as a hit man for Lord Lucan; and that, after the death of the Duke of Windsor, the Duchess of Windsor secretly married Sir Elton John.

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