Ask Em Clarkson: 'I'm 34 and I've lost all interest in sex…'08/26/2023
Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
Well, sort of.
As Metro’s agony aunt the influencer, author and content creator (busy much?) is primed and ready to be a sympathetic ear, an oracle of wisdom or, quite simply, a stand-in for that girl in the nightclub bathroom you share your thoughts and dreams with while waiting in line.
While she stresses she’s no alternative for therapy, Em is keen to talk through any quandary.
This week, she’s helping Metro readers to navigate a lacking libido, trust issues in relationships, and the resentment of a childhood haircut. Yes, really.
Read on for this week’s musings…
I have lost all interest in sex, I am only 34. Will the spark come back?
YES! I’m sure spark can and will come back. But you might need to do a lil sommin sommin to ignite it.
There’s so much that can affect our libido, such as imbalances in our hormones (luckily you can have your hormones tested using really easy at-home services like Thriva, or with the assistance of a specialist at a hormone clinic), so chatting with you GP could be a great starting point.
If everything is okay on that side of things there’s a lot you can do to start bringing yourself mentally back into the game; there’s a whole world of sex toys out there (which you can buy alongside a book that came out last month called This Book Will Make You Feel Something by Florence Bark which is masturbation meditations to use alone or with a partner), and there’s also a litany of information out there to help, from platforms like Beducated (a really inclusive and positive sex-education platform) to ethical porn sites like Cheex.
Often times the sex that we’ve lost interest in isn’t sex in general, it’s the heteronormative one-dimensional, unrealistic picture of sex this society paints, and it may just be our horizons that need broadening and our perspectives that need a bit of a shake-up.
Follow @thesexdoctor on Instagram (and listen to the podcast episode we did with her too) and buy her book Mind The Gap. There’s a lot of pressure on us to experience sexuality in a very specific way, and it is absolutely not one size fits all.
Particularly as women our hormones fluctuate hugely so I wouldn’t worry too much. Relighting your own fire will hopefully be a really empowering process, and at the very least, could be quite good fun.
My fiancé bought some birthday gifts for a female colleague and lied about it…I’m really struggling to move past it and don’t believe a word he says, particularly where she’s concerned. Any advice?
I’m really sorry for you this is a huge betrayal. I’d like to believe they could be platonic gifts and that maybe he is just friends with her, and whilst that may well be the case, the fact it upset you is enough of a reason for it not to be okay.
I’m also aware that, along with the rest of the UK, I have watched Love Actually and witnessed the heartache that Alan Rickman’s emotional affair caused for Emma Thompson’s character, so I don’t want to dismiss your hurt.
I think your gut is telling you something here and you’d do really well to listen to it, he has broken your trust and it is going to take a lot to build it back up.
Perhaps it’s something you could explore together in therapy, if not, it’s something I think the two of you need to really talk about together. A properly honest, warts and all, willies-on-the-table conversation.
Ignoring this issue won’t resolve it, you need to communicate your hurt and work out in yourself what it will take for you both to build the trust back up. I don’t think you’re wrong for harbouring resentment, but you do need to find a way to work through it.
I hope for you there is a way, and I’m sure there is, but as you work that out, I implore you to keep an ear out for your gut’s position on all of this; in my experience, that is something that even when everything else goes to sh*t, you can trust.
My parents made me get a bob when I was five and I have never quite gotten over it even as an adult…
Yeah and FAIR ENOUGH. Those are childhood photographs that you will never get the chance to take again and that feels like sacrilege. If Fleabag taught us anything, it’s that hair is everything (and priests can be way sexier than we ever could’ve imagined but that’s by the by).
The good news is, I’ve looked into the legalities of it for you and I ~think~ you may be entitled to some compensation. Alternatively, if litigation isn’t something you want to pursue right now, I hear revenge is a dish best served cold. And I’m sure your parents will look lush at their Pearl Wedding Anniversary with his and hers bobs of their own xoxo.
Want to ask Em Clarkson a question?
With nearly 300,000 followers on Instagram and a reputation as one of the more honest influencers out there, Em is often asked for advice in her DMs. Now, she wants to do the same in Metro, as our newest columnist.
No topic is off limits. So if you’ve a question for her agony aunt series, email [email protected].
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