Pick up the kids and drink wine – 4 ways to help a friend through cancer – The Sun

WHERE would any of us be in life without our friends?

As you get older you gather new friends from all parts of life – school, uni, work, having kids.

One group of friends I never expected was my cancer pals.

But they are one of the best things to happen to me since my diagnosis just over three years ago.

Even before cancer turned up on my doorstep, my life was a whirlwind. I'm a busy kind of gal and always have been.

I've always surrounded myself with 'radiators' – people who are eternally optimistic and spread that positivity. I don't have time for drains.

And since being told I have stage 4 bowel cancer, that has never been more important.

It helps me to stay positive in the face of some really dark days. It keeps me ticking, reminding me to take one step at a time.

To know I have a whole community out there, old friends and new, looking out for me and just being there is hard to put into words.

I like to think I'm riding on the wings on angels and honestly now I look back I can't imagine how I would've done the last three years on Earth without my angels.

So why am I getting all emotional about this now?

Well, last month a team of scientists published new findings to highlight the importance of community for cancer patients.

Those who have a tight network of support and a sense of community will, on the whole, live longer.

I have realised just how important the cancer community is – I literally couldn't cope without my network.

It's a vital source of support that comes in all shapes and sizes.

For me, there are four types of support that have proved life-saving to me, so I thought I would share them with you.

If you have a friend or loved one recently diagnosed with cancer, it can be hard to know what to do.

While, each and every patient is different, these are the things I have found really helpful.

1. Practical support

Think practical help, with life, chores you name it.

When it comes to this kind of support, I have always been pretty quick to say 'yes'.

Whenever I am asked: 'my mate has been diagnosed with cancer, how do I help?', this is always my first piece of advice.

Offer some practical help. Take some food round, offer to pick the kids up from school, drive them to their appointments.

I like to think I’m riding on the wings on angels and honestly, I can’t imagine how I would’ve done the last three years on Earth without my angels

After treatment, I am often in a slightly out-of-it state slumped on chairs near the exit at The Royal Marsden.

I should have an exit strategy each time, but most of the time I don't.

And that ends up in me having a flap, not knowing how to get from A to B.

Maybe it's not keeping me alive, but this support is definitely helping me live with a lot less stress – and that comes with all sorts of health benefits, cancer or no cancer.

I'm honestly one of the least domesticated people I know.

I have an awesome talent for not washing up, I appear incapable of remembering to hang the washing out and cooking something that actually tastes OK is beyond me.

The only thing I am just about good at is walking the dog!

So when friends have stepped in to offer me practical help, I have always been quick to say a big 'YES', and a massive 'thank you' to follow.

2. Emotional support

The outpouring of love, care and concern when you learn you have cancer is frankly, overwhelming. It's incredible.

And it comes in so many different ways.

What I quickly realised is, I couldn't expect my nearest and dearest to understand exactly what I was going through. They had to deal with their own pain, and needed their own emotional support.

They have all been incredible to me, I couldn't have coped without them – and still can't.

But, since meeting so many other cancer patients, I have been so lucky to get a new glimpse at another kind of support. An altogether more knowing level of emotional support.

I never want my family and friends to really know what it's like to have cancer, I never ever want them to face this.

But it also means they can't understand everything.

So my cancer community, from all corners of social media and The Marsden, are the ones there for me at 3am when I'm knee-deep in the trenches panicking that I'm dying.

Social media has many downsides, but for me its full of cheerleaders.

They are the fellow cancer warriors who I can DM at any time of the day to ask about side effects, how to cope with my darkest fears and much, much more.

It's really hard to put into words, what it means to me.

The mental side of cancer is just as tough as the physical – and so at times staying positive can feel impossible.

That's where emotional support, in all its forms, is the most important support of all.

3. Info support

This one is a little less obvious, but it's huge – especially for the geeks like me.

One of my coping mechanisms, since diagnosis day, has been to learn everything I can about my cancer.

It's the teacher in me. Feeling educated gives me a sense of control – control that's much needed in all the chaos.

It helps me make peace with the idea that if I do eventually die, I can rest safe in the knowledge that I have left no stone unturned, no treatment possibility ignored.

I want to know – and more importantly – I want my kids to know, that I have moved mountains to stick around with them as long as I can.

While we might like to put trust in the health service to do that, it's not always the case.

Second opinions, food, sleep, nutrition and exercise all have a role to play in supporting you through.

It's just important to spend time with your medical team learning to understand the rubbish from the reality.

4. Distraction support

Here's the fun bit.

If you have a friend or relative that is going through cancer, don't forget to have fun with them.

For me, an evening laughing with friends over a few bottles of wine, is sheer bliss. It gives me that rare chance to forget, just for a tiny moment that cancer is in charge.

Partying is good for the soul – and in my case it helps me remember I am still alive.

It's an important reminder that cancer doesn't dictate, I'm not defined by my disease.

My favourite things to do have nothing to do with cancer, so if you have a friend in a similar situation just offer to have some fun with them.

Whatever they loved doing before their diagnosis, suggest a walk together, a night at the pub, a cinema trip.

It's hard to appreciate because these are things we all take for granted.

But, doing these normal things feels electric, when you have the dark shadow of cancer hanging over your head.

Don't overthink that last glass of wine, everything in moderation and all that!

Lean on me

We all need our friends, cancer or not, so my last point is don't be afraid to ask for help and support.

Some people struggle to know what to do or say when their friend is facing cancer.

Don't forget, even if you're the one with cancer, it's hard for your loved ones too.

They are going through this with you, and have their own struggles to face.

Lean on  your friends, and loved ones, and ask for help and support when you need it most. Don't be afraid to be clear about what you need.

It might be just what the doctor ordered.

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