Stephen Colbert Is Thrilled Over Kevin McCarthy’s Troubles

“But remember, there’s more important things in life than winning or losing — there’s making fun of Kevin McCarthy for losing,” Colbert said.

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By Trish Bendix

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

Three-peat

Republicans were deadlocked on Tuesday after Representative Kevin McCarthy repeatedly lost his bid to become speaker of the House.

Stephen Colbert opened his show by saying he was “0 for 2” on his New Year’s resolutions: “One was to drink less, and the other was to not gloat when bad things happen to Kevin McCarthy,” which he followed up with a big swig of bourbon.

“It’s been a day of pure, uncut, Peruvian blue-flake schadenfreude, watching the G.O.P. stab each other in the throat,” Colbert said.

“He needs 218 votes to win, but in the first two votes, he got only 203. OK, he lost twice, but you know what they say: ‘Third time’s the — he also lost.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Kevin McCarthy is being held hostage by a group of Republican extremists who don’t believe he leans far enough to the right. He lost three rounds of voting today, even though he’s made multiple offers to these lunatics. He even agreed to cut the Office of Congressional Ethics. This is one of their demands, which is basically like replacing seatbelts with fettuccine.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“You know, I looked it up. Technically, the Constitution does not require the speaker of the House to be an elected member of Congress — it could be any American, which, to me, sounds like the premise for a pretty solid Pauly Shore movie.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“But remember, there’s more important things in life than winning or losing — there’s making fun of Kevin McCarthy for losing.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Reportedly, interns in his office are already expected to call him ‘Mr. Speaker,’ and this weekend, staffers were seen moving his boxes into the speaker’s office. I wouldn’t be in a big hurry to unpack. He may not be great at counting votes, but he’s good at counting chickens before they hatch.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Catfish Edition)

“George Santos was sworn in today as a member of the House of Representatives in the state of New York. And not, as he originally claimed, Pandora.” — SETH MEYERS

“Santos just got elected in New York, and we recently learned that during the campaign, he lied about — and I’m rounding down here — everything.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“For starters, during his campaign, Santos claimed to have attended both Baruch College and New York University, but neither school could locate records to verify his claims. So, he may not have graduated, but he did get his B.S.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“He basically catfished an entire congressional district.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“He’s now being investigated by federal prosecutors who want to know how he was able to self-fund $700,000 of his campaign when he reported only making $55,000 a year. He must have one hell of an OnlyFans, is all I can figure.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“But despite all that, he did not resign. He showed up to his first day of work in Washington today where no one, not one of the many scoundrels wriggling around the House, wanted to sit with him. He just sat — imagine being so toxic not even Matt Gaetz wants to sit next to you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Yep, it’s odd when a congressman holds up his right hand to be sworn in, and everyone’s like, ‘You know what? Don’t bother.’” — JIMMY FALLON

The Bits Worth Watching

Jimmy Fallon paid tribute to Barbara Walters on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show,” sharing a story of a time he asked her for advice.

What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night

The country music star Shania Twain will chat with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”

Also, Check This Out

The five-time Grammy-winning singer Dionne Warwick is the subject of a new career-spanning documentary, “Dionne Warwick: Don’t Make Me Over.”

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